
Saturday, June 25, 2005
had Sakae Buffet today and ate till i was like sooooo bloated... over-ate i supposed... ordered lots and talked lots with none other than my sister... she treated me.. so i guess it's fine... haha... after that i met up with Smiley... walked around... mostly the cinemas... cos we are like soo wanting to catch a movie... or maybe i want to catch a movie... cos i didn't have anywhere to shop... plus i'm so flat broke... so i didn't really had the mood to shop... just wanted to be with him... haha... but i supposed happy time was over after he sort of raised his voice at me when i bit him... i know i'm wrong to do that... but does he really have to raise his voice? after that... i got quite scared or rather... shocked... i almost cried there and then... but i hold back... cos i didn't want him to think what's wrong with me... you know... crying for no rhyme or reason... although... there IS a reason... i don't suppose he'll actually understand...
you see... it's just my nature to cry when i'm angry frightened and of course hurt... but not much people see it that way... for one... my dad... all he thinks is that i love crying and things like that... and probably my whole family thinks that way... so i give up explaining myself to them... no one understands me... not even Smiley... even if i want him to... i don't know what's gotten into me these days... i feel that inecure feeling again... something's bugging me... but i'm trying to figure that out... i'm so scared... scared that history's gonna repeat itself... someday he's gonna do it again... we've been like having small arguments these days... all by me... i don't know why... i just feel scared and start arguing with him... ah ling jie jie say it's time to change guy... but i don't want to... and i hate it when she keeps saying that... why won't she just stop... i want to forget what happened... but she's not making it any easier... sigh... i really don't know what to do...
i cried just now... after i came home... i need to get it out from just now... i don't want his voice to be raised at me again... i'm was really frightened... and i went all silent... after he raised his voice he somehow softened... i think he sensed i was scared or something... but even if he softened his voice i was still a little freaked out.. i didn't say much cos i was scared i would cry... and that would be weird wouldn't it... so we got all silent all the way back... from town... to tampines... and back home... and then i went to my room... use my labby and started crying while using.. luckily my parents didn't come into my room... or they'll think there's something wrong with me... my heart is aching... i don't know why... sigh... everything's so complicated... i wished that things didn't happen before this... that he never said he wanted a break up then a patch... wish it was like before... cos now is just so very different...
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