
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
it's been 4 days since we got back together... i don't know if i should feel happy that he's back to me and mine again... and that he wanted me back... is this i can say my happy ending? hmmm.... i'm not realy sure... somehow it just doesn't seem right... i mean... why the hell did he want to come back tome again when he said his love for me is fading? another respondsibility for him to fulfil? asking him that is useless cos i know that he would just deny... will he ever be telling the truth? that's something that i can never answer....
last week was hell to me... cried consecutively every minute and every second and everytime i close my eyes and lie on my bed... somehow i can't let go of him during those days... saturday i decided maybe i should let go.. cos i'm tired and he's probably tired too... tired of listening to me telling him to come back to me... went to his house and did the break clean... giving him what he really wants and crying for the last time... and saying what i had wanted to say for a very very long time... and surprisingly when i left his place i stopped crying completely and actually felt better... like i have lifted something that has been on me throughout this whole relationship... i rather happy that i cleared things out... not calmly... but at least i did clear things up...
the same night he decided to come back to me... he said he wants me back... he don't wanna see me sad anymore... that he doesn't want me to cry anymore... that he loves me... but he saying he loves me make me think if it's true... is that what he wants or is it just a blame he's taking and is trying to make up for it... i sometimes don't know which is the truth... being in his arms again does feel great... but is it right? is it really meant to be? is it what it was last time? i always wished that he'll give me more security... but i know he'll never give that to me... he can give me anything i asked for except for 2 things... all his love and security... he's still not letting go... i know that... cos i trust my intuition... i trust what i feel and what i know... he'll never get over it... and now.. i'm trying very hard not to fall any deeper... already at this level i'm already quite hurt... falling deeper will kill me... maybe i'm just not cut out to play this game... the game of love... no rules yet so hard to play and win it... the higher you go... the more hurt will come to you... and game over comes very very fast...
i want to feel his love for me again... but now... i don't feel it at all... not even a teeny bit... he's no more there... no where near me anymore... he's al very distant... he's more of a friend than a lover now... i very much want to feel that he's still a lover... but how? i've already built a wall against him.. cos he hurt metoo badly... my sis said i'm stupid for letting him come back to me... after all... he sort of cheated me by loving another girl... maybe i'm just stupid... maybe i'm just having wishful thoughts that he wouldn't do it again... i cannot be sure that he won't hurt me again and probably deeper this time... and i cannot be sure that he's trying to love him wholeheartedly... but i do know one thing for sure... i love him... even if i'm not loving him more than what i'm supposed to now i still love him... he made me happy... and made me feel loved... i never loved a guy so much before... and i never ever regretted being with him at all... we may be together for the wrong reasons... we may not experienced what we had during the first 4 months... and i may always have to live in our past... but i don't mind... cos i'm in love and somehow.... nothing in the world can affect my love for him...
he'll never sees this... but i'm still gonna say it...
dear dear... i love you... i know your heart will never be with me... but i just wanna say it again... i love you... and you cannot change that... no matter how you very much want me to not love you and you don't love me anymore... i still love you...*hugs*
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sHoW eNdS:1:09 PM
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