
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
another week of school and it sucks... sooooo boring... now it's lunch break and i've done my stuff... so i can rest and do this... haha... i'm lame... last week and these few days ain't good at all... lots of sad things happen... i sometimes just feel like just crying my way out of all these... but i have to control... i cannot do that... it's just not me... i mean i do cry... but it's those angry cries... but no one understands... my family just thinks that i cry because i want some sympathy from whoever... i mean... come on... why do i want some... i just get angry and i cry... it's those "i hate you" crying thing... no one gets it...
for the past few days that i have been talking to him... we always end up quarreling... we end up pissed and unhappy... and i get all upset and stuff... yesterday we argued again and it was early in morning... he said i don't care bout him... he say i always sy hurtful things... i mean... he says jokes and i have to take it and get it the first time if not he'll say it's unfair... but it's already unfair to me... i mean... i make jokes and he takes them so seriously and i'm like suddenly at fault... like what the hell~!!!! i have to understand him... i have to care about how he feels... well...what about him? he doesn't care... he can't even be bothered with me... he doesn't even bother having time for me... after i complaint once he decided to spend more time with me for maybe like a week... and then? what happens next? he doesn't care.. he's back to not bothering about me.. and this time i didn't even bother complaining... i take it as since i've started school it'll be fine with me... so.. okay... i don't care anymore... that was about 2 weeks ago... okay... old story? take the most recent one then... last thursday... i went for basketball training and didn't have any intention to join.. just go for the fun of it... i told him about it... and what.. he said i ouldn't take it which means he's indirectly saying i'm not that fit... then i told him i was just gonna look at guys anyway... he said i was just out to look for someone else to replace him... i was like so freaking pissed off with him for thinking that way about me... i mean... does that mean that he thinks i'm that sort of person to him? does he really think that i'm just trying to get rid of him at every chance? does he really not trust me that much.. i mean.. i didn't even make any comment about he being with samantha still... think i'm not scared that he might just be hugging her while he is talking to me over the phone? the truth is i AM scared... but i just kept quiet about it cos i know ought to give him a little trust altough i can't stop the feeling... then the problem solved... okay.. then the next day friday... i think.. should be.. or is it sunday? either one... anyway... we argued again... over what? he was doing he work when i called him... so i told him to go do his work then... when he have time then talk to me again... and then he just concluded that i was pissed with him and that he irritated me... then he put it as his MSN nick saying he irritated me... and i asked him if that message was meant for me... and he said yes... and i was like... when was i irritated... then he insisted that i was.. and i told him i wasn't pissed till he insisted i was pissed... and then... yeah..monday came which was yesterday... early in the morning he messaged me and we argued over a stupid thing... and i was like soooooo not happy with it... i mean... does he have to come and spoil my day? was soooo pissed... and i was like soooo sad... then at night... things just got worst... i thought maybe we should cool off for weeks and when we're ready to face each other already then we'll talk... but i guess he didn't know what i meant by cool off... or maybe he just ignored the meaning of it... he told me to trust him and promised that we'll never be like that again... but i know it'll difinitely happen again and again... but he insisted that it won't... i don't know what to do...i'm like soooo lost... is everybody who had their first like that?
this morning... he aske me if i wanted to end it... and i just wanted to cry... but i can't cos i'm in class... i held back my tears... and i asked me if he wans me to? he told me i probably should cos he didn't want me to be unhappy... but he doesn't know that i would be even worse if i just end it this way... i don't wanna break up with him and i did tell him that... then he said he wanna make peace with me and that we shan't be likethat anymore... i soehow feel that he is not happy... that he wants to go... that maybe if i had said that i wanna give up he'll be happy... although i won't... but i don't know... maybe i really love him sooo much now although it's like only 4months plus that i can't bear to let go... but maybe he wants to let go... i don't know if this is right... is it right that i held on to it... i want the answer...but i know i'll never get one.. unless one day... he saw this... which will be never...
i shall say no more... presenting soon...
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sHoW eNdS:1:14 PM
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