5th december... my pay comes today... money money... hoho... not so broke anymore... haha... i'm so happy... a mini tai tai once again.. haha... it's been so long since i wrote here... after the Os so many things just happens... just had no time to write... but now... i'll be able to write all the time again.. haha... i'm counting the days till i'm free of work again... 4 more days to saying bye bye to ZARA staff... some are nice... but they sucks all the same...

4 more days to my 1 month with my darling... but i have to work though... and is full shift some more... so i suppose we can't celebrate it then... sigh... oh well... doesn't matter... we'll have lots of monthsary to celebrate... i hope so... he's sick now... not in a pretty good shape...

yesterday i cried... confused cry i suppose... i don't know what's wrong... i don't seem to be able to understand him at all... he's so distant sometimes... his coach was angry with him for not turning up for training yesterday... and his team mates think he didn't want to go cos he wanted to go out with me... part of it is true but he was with others too... sigh... i don't know his problems... he doesn't really say them... i sometimes wonder whether am i good enough for him... i don't seem to be able to give him enough... we're only together for a few weeks and i'm already thinking of ending it... sigh... i don't know what i want... i'm scared... stupid of me to feel scared... but i just can't help it.. i'm afraid of losing him... cos i know i will... one of these days we'll just be apart not knowing it.. it's kind of scary to think about it... but i know that's the fact... the lead of thinking this way? it's sam... i know i shouldn't have this thought... but i guess i just feel very insecure about it... my gut feeling tells me he still has feelings for her... i want that feeling to be gone and wrong.. i never tell him this... cos i know he won't be happy about it... and i don't want us to be unhappy... sigh... what am i to do... sigh... why must he be the ex of someone i know... i am a spoiler... a really big spoiler... if it weren't for me... he'll probably be with her and everyone's happy... it's a stupid mistake... i'm stupid... stupid to get into this shit... yet i love him and decided to continue this mistake... i'm confusing myself... why can't i know what i want... part of me wants to be with him... but the other part of me has doubts.. please give me some signs... i'm tired of these fears... fears that keep bugging me even though i don't want them... what the hell... i hate this... my mind just love doing this to me.. sigh...

that's it for today... i don't know what i'm writing... so if it doesn't make any sense... then just ignore this crap... just need to let out some stuff that's been in my head for so long... pretty girl's signing off the first time in 2005...